i havent been able to fall asleep in peace since then. i toss, i turn, i do everything but fall asleep.

the moment i close my eyes, my mind starts to wander. and i replay each and every single word over again. and then i feel this ache from deep within.

the best solution so far is to stay awake. maybe thats why i've been waking up at 8am every morning.

but then again, how long can i stay awake for?

:(

today was the most painful day of my life. i never saw this coming. never even suspected it. never thought this was possible. shit STILL happens to me. and today only reconfirmed how big of a failure i am and have been this whole time.

and now i really cannot look at you straight in the eye because everytime i do, i think of that conversation which is now seared in my mind. i still cannot believe what i read. i just kept on reading, my heart pounding and my eyes frantically searching for the punchline. sadly, there wasn't any and every bit of it was reality.

forget about promises because they really dont mean anything to me anymore. im just so sick and tired of feeling like this. i don't want to be the receiver of broken promises anymore.

you say you've gotten rid of them. but i just cannot help but ask. have you really?

please just shoot me now already. i just feel so lousy and torn.

tonight, i tried to blog 3 times. but each time i re-read the post and deleted it and started from scratch again. for 3 times. until i finally realized that i no longer know how to express myself, or rather express how i'm currently feeling, anymore.

tonight, i just pray that whatever decisions that i will have to make, may God's will be done and may He be honoured in my life. because if that were not the case, life would be without a purpose.

im so sick and tired i dont even want to try anymore. because i dont quite see a point in me trying so hard. the only thing i get out of trying is looking forward to trying even harder to overcome the next occurence of the same thing. 


i realised the truth of this statement first-hand tonight. through a very meaningful conversation with someone close to my heart. 

i guess you're right. maybe i do have to come face to face with the problems in my life, instead of just being mr-nice-guy all the time and waiting. life's too short for waiting and too fragile for procrastination.

if only it were easier said than done.

6 days to macro, 7 to finance and 18 to econometrics.

the last final 20 days in australia have already begun, one day ago.

HOOYA!

today i had one of the best conversations i ever had with aaron. and i must say that it did open my eyes to a lot of things. his opinions and his life. and he thinks very similarly to the way i do. perhaps even does what i would have done if i were in his situation too! 

well i guess thats what brothers are. we affect each other.

i do miss him.

... that doing exchange rate research report can be tiring and time consuming, yet interesting.

... that i will not be able to finish studying stats on time but who cares? i got 11 days to do it after my first 2 papers.

... that i miss my girl so :(

splitting headache now. argh. 

mid sem break has been a disaster for me thus far, i have NOT been following my study plan which i scribbled on a scrap paper and pinned to my cork board in my room. and as a result of severe procrastination, sheer laziness and overdose of dota and the likes, i now stand at 4 chapters of econs behind what im supposed to be.

gimme a break man. i only look forward to the last 50 days remaining in this bore-hole called canberra. and as far as im concerned, im all too ready to pack my bags and take flight....

... to sunny singapore where the people and the food awaits me.
... to, well, sunny phuket where the clear blue waters and marine creatures await my exploration.
... to cloudy netherlands where i know i'll spend a helluva time fulfilling one of my life ambitions to travel europe.


and that being said, i will only leave with 2 regrets, 

1. i wish i'd found my current job sooner than this semester. because i finally got a job that both pays well and feeds well. which job pays you an average of 20 aussie an hour AND you get to take home a bag full of whatever you want after shifts? God bless baker's delight!

2. i wish i'd met my current housemates sooner. because with them around, the house is never nice-smelling, clean and cold. to say the least, we do the most retarded things together. like playing dota in the lecture theatre on the big projector and having endless number of hot-pots till the wee hours of the morning, only to end up on the toilet seat 7 hours later, scrunched up in pain from too much chilli oil. now, they'd be worth keeping in contact with. wonderful people who totally dispel the common china-people misconception. they've made this semester arguably the best one in canberra. Thank God for them!


well, for lack of a better expression, lets just say i'll leave the rest behind without looking back.


and recently, i realised i've been doing certain things which only suggests that i've entered a new era without even knowing it.

1. i check the COE prices twice a month. just to make sure that i'm in line and that i've got enough money when the time comes to get my own ride. just fyi, its a personal goal of mine.

2. i start calculating my expenses to the smallest detail, so i know if i've got enough expenses for my europe trip, end of year trips to phuket, jb for seafood feast and what not. if i could stay in a slum instead of a backpackers to save that 100 bucks that would go towards AOWC, i would.

3. i am desperate to start fulfilling and striking off my to-do adventure list before i start working.

4. NO MORE PIMPLES!


all the joys and pains of growing up have finally sunk in and found a place in my heart. i crave independence, and yearn for FREEDOM!!! i think i've found my place. and i have things to look forward to. big decisions dont scare me no more....

one more hurdle, my finals in 35 days time.

fear is the number one cure for procrastination. so may i start fearing and stop procrastinating my studying now!

 suddenly... i don't look forward to going back home anymore.